That's the Truth..

I feel like I need to disappear for awhile. Not like go somewhere and be gone, but just... fall of the face of the earth a little. I have three weeks of school left and I think I will completely focus all of my attention on that and also on editing my book. I think then I will be able get my mind off things and hopefully when these next three weeks are through I will have figured everything out.
Wish me luck..

Don't worry, I'll be making videos so you'll see me.
I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape.

The Phoenix Complex

First off: I am sorry I haven’t written in awhile. School has ripped me a new one and boy do I love it…

Second off: The actual blog…

As I wrote Silver Lining I tried to make Collin/Shiloh much like me. I wanted to write Silver Lining for me and I wanted it to be about me and symbolize some things that I went through. Well, as I wrote it I began to notice that when I wrote Phoenix everything happened so smoothly, he came to life at my fingertips without any effort from my brain. He was the perfect opposite of Collin and that’s why they worked out. Well, after writing the book, the second, and starting the third I began to realize that I REALLY enjoyed writing Phoenix. So as I went back to edit I realized that his parts were the easiest for me to read through. But when he leaves and gives his protection of Collin over to Rylan I have to stop every time. There is something about that scene that takes a lot of out of me. I have to take a break before I can jump into the story again and I think recently I have discovered why… I have never been Collin/Shi— I have always been Phoenix. In my mind I was this wimpy protagonist that finds love and changes their life, when really, I was the person who was never seen for who he really was. I was a person who had to hide himself from the world. I was someone who, after finding love, became much more complicated. Then as I looked through all the stories and how Phoenix’s life is whipped around without a care, always the back seat, I realized once again… I am him.
Well, now as I am writing the third book I have hit a roadblock. I mean literally. I sit at my computer screen, the marker blinking, for hours and nothing is able to come out, it’s because Phoenix is stuck. He’s stuck somewhere in the middle and I had a choice to make either I could give Phoenix the world—Happiness, Love, Money… Or I could take it away from him, leave him empty handed and alone…

After last night I got my answer…
I’m sorry Phoenix…
You and I both knew it couldn’t end up the way we wanted.



P.S.: I am going back to old school—finishing the book the way I started it… hand writing. Phoenix and I are going to have one more final push to the end then we'll see where we end up.

Angry...

I am going to tell you something that makes me really angry: Robert Pattinson..
No, not because he's a horrible actor, BUT because he's a magnificent musician. He should honestly quit acting and just sing! It frustrates me to no end. I want CD after CD of his voice singing to me. Instead I only get the two songs he did for Twilight and the rest I stole from the YouTubes.

I think we should start a petition..
The "Don't let Robert Pattinson act anymore and just keep singing" petition..
I like it...
You better sign it when I make it...

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-SNAPE!

Alcatraz Versus The Evil Librarians

Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians (AVEL) is a fun, quirky book, which will keep your attention through each chapter. I found myself not wanting to put the book down after hours of reading. I continually wanted to know what would happen to the protagonist Alcatraz Smedry. Brandon Sanderson, the author, has beautifully captured the art of narration and point of view. When you read through AVEL you hear Alcatraz’s voice. You hear his thoughts and you understand exactly what he is going through. There are many different things that bring this book to life. There are knights, Evil Librarians, Talking dinosaurs, A witty and very fun Grandpa Smedry (who, by the end of the book, you will want to be your grandfather.)
The only thing I could see why readers would not like the story, would probably be the narration in between chapters. Some people may consider this a climax spoiler, or breaking the tension of the book.
As for me I found this very realistic. How many of us go through the climax of our life’s action without the inner narration moving around in our head? I believe that this book is really realistic and by the end you will be asking yourself, “are there really Evil Librarians trying to take over the world.”

***** (5 Stars)

Day 13: I Hate You..

Today is day 13, and that is: Write a letter to someone who has hurt you recently..

Dear Person who has hurt me recently,
YOU SUCK!

<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 10, 11, 12: I Fail..

Day 10: Songs..!

I posted earlier on my blog about a song called Say Something, I listen to that song more than I listen to anything. There are a couple more that I listen to. Clair De Lune by Debussy. Iridiscent by Linkin Park. Really I just listen to whatever I'd like to at the moment. I listen to a lot of Glee. That shouldn't come as a shock, considering I love Glee.

Day 11: More Friends!




This was taken at a chorale picnic that we had. I love all of these people. We were all in Peter Pan together. Forever my Peter Pan family will be fond in my heart. I love them very much and hope that we all stay very close friends throughout the years.


Day 12: Blogger?

So this kid named, Jake Winters, had a blogspot and I started reading it and then I decided that maybe I should start blogging so I just signed up on the same site. That's when I realized that I had a ton of other friends on here too, so I joined and have tried to stay consistent but we all know how that has worked out.


Sorry for the lateness i've been in the process of moving and getting ready for school so I didn't exactly have a lot of spare time to write in the blog. I will try and be more consistent this week! I love you all very much.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 9: Happy Day

What I have done in the past few days..

I MOVED IN! HOooooray!
I am all unpacked and have finished all I need to finish in order to start school.
I feel pretty accomplished.


-KD Wan John Silver-Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 8: Little Tiny Goals

I have many goals. Will I meet them? Probably not. But here are some short term goals for my life.

1. Get moved in to school
2. Start School
3. Get good grades in school.
4. Get a boyfriend
5. Hang out with Kelsey and Jessie... A LOT!
6. Get to know my new roommates.
7. Read a song of Ice and Fire as much as I can without interfering with school.
8. Make a lot of new friends.
9. Have a good time.
10. DANCE..

Day 7: That Someone.. or Something..

I have been thinking a lot about this and I couldn't actually figure out someone or something that has had the biggest impact on me, but I will tell you about something that has had a big impact on me recently. That would be the series A Song of Ice and Fire by George RR Martin. In this book is a boy called Jon Snow, and recently he has taught me a lot. Jon Snow is the bastard son of his father Eddard Stark. So Jon must find his own way in the world. So he goes and takes the black so that he can protect the known world. But what you realize about Jon is that he loves his family very much. He would do anything for them, he even tries to run away to his family after his fathers death. But he is a strong young boy and he has taught me a lot through the book. Plus, he's a total hottie in the TV series, don't deny it.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 6: Really?

Once again I find myself asking the question: Do you really have to ask?



Today the question is: Who is your favorite superhero?
So, pretty much there is no reason even answer this. If you don't know by now, then you don't know anything. But I will humor you through this blog. I guess it's a place for me to expand on my feelings towards the greatest superhero in the world. There are plenty of reasons why I love him and trust me, I have thought about this long and hard. I've studied other comics, but in the end, Iron Man always prevails.

1. He is Pompous: I have never one to like someone who is full of themselves, but yet Tony Stark is my favorite. Probably because he has the sarcastic wit that I look for in people. There's a difference between being a jerk and selfish and being funny and selfish. I like to think that I am the latter. Everyone is selfish, we'll never get over that, Tony Stark just shows it off a little more.

2. The Suit: I have had this discussion many times. I always talk about how Batman is not a superhero because he doesn't have any powers, just a lot of money. That could also be said for Tony Stark. True, he does have a lot of money, but he does have a super power. The suit is just the manifestation of the power. Tony Stark has a big 'ol brain. If you think about it, the suit gives him the "Super powers" that everyone has come to know and love, where super mind's are usually common place for villains. Tony Stark is a genius, 'nuff said.

3. He's hot: Really.. He is.

There are many more reasons why I love him. But I shall leave this blog with just these three. Tony Stark is the greatest superhero to ever grace the pages of Marvel. That will always be the case.. No debate necessary.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Interjection..

I sometimes like to think that you are my soulmate and I am just waiting for something to happen.. Something to change so that one day you ride by, pick me up, and marry me. I wait for that day.. I just thought you should know.

Day 5: Oh the places I have been..

Today we are talking about a place I have been. I'm going to change this a little and talk about a place I have been but a place I will end up. This picture is of Washington when I went to Seattle and Forks. AFter this little trip I told myself that I would end up either in Washington or in Oregon. Truthfully, whenever I think of myself that's where I see myself. I've told myself that I will be there so in the end I will be there.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 4: My Habit..

So today we are talking about habits, habits that aren't exactly our favorite. My whole life I have had this one habit that has driven me mad. I have always bitten my nails. I try very hard not to, but it always seems to happen. I don't know why I started this habit but it seemed to come around in my wee childhood years. I always need to be chewing on something. So usually I have gum in my mouth, but when I don't I automatically go to my fingernails. Maybe someday I will fully get over this problem, but I highly doubt it. Last semester I got pretty good with not biting my nails, but since I have been home it has become a problem again.

This upcoming semester I will try even harder to not bite them.
Wish me luck.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 3: The friends..

So in these pictures are Me, Jessie, and Kelsey (The best roommates in the world.) These pictures are from last fall, I realized that we have like, no other pictures of the three of us. It's weird. Anyways, I love these girls like a lot. They're pretty much the sisters I never had. I am so happy to be moving back in with them in a week. I can't imagine school without them, and someday that will happen, but at least for now we are together. :). This is going to be a great semester.. I feel it in my bones.


I love you both..

KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 2: The Blooooog!

So day 2 it asks, what is the meaning behind your blog name? Well, I don't really have a super significant meaning, but I can always try and come up with one.

When I started out writing I hand wrote everything in notebooks. I loved it so much. When I got my laptop I seemed to have lost that. I miss using my hand, so from time to time I write my thoughts and ideas in notebooks, hoping that something better will come out of it. So I guess when I named the Notepad I just thought about that. I revamped my blog a couple months ago so I needed something that pertained more personally to me. So the Notepad seemed to stick. It's a place for me to write, and that's how I love it.

I love you all
Remember who you are and what you stand for.


-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Day 1: ME!

So for today I will talk about myself... Easy enough.





1. I have learned to love school. My entire life before this I have hated school. But now that I'm not in school I realize how much i miss it.

2. Sometimes Harry Potter is the only thing that gets me through the days here.

3. I'm excited for the cold/winter to be coming back. I hate summer and sun like.. more than anything. I don't particularly like snow, but at least it's not hot and sunny anymore.

4. I've never liked myself with long hair.

5. I have a strange obsession with Superheroes.

6. I think Kelsey is going to be the best friend I keep forever. :).

7. I want to get through school quickly so I can finally start teaching. I'm really excited about it and I wish it could just happen right now.

8. I hate the financial aid department at school. It's great they give me money, but sometimes the money isn't even worth the stress they cause me to have.

9. I don't want to live in Idaho any longer. I want to be somewhere like washington or Oregon.

10. Writing is my greatest passion and without it, I would be lost in the world.

11. I love singing to glee, whether my family likes it or not. Glee is a show that I always look forward too, I don't know why, but it is and I don't care if people don't like it.

12. I constantly wish I could sign better.

13. I wish I could find someone who loves me lots and lots.

14. I want to surf once, before I die.

15. Last, but no least, I love Alan Rickman with all of my heart... Deal with it.

30 Days of Me

I will be starting this tomorrow. :)


Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.

My Poopy

I've been feeling pretty down lately, so in order to make myself feel better I am going to write about something that I love very much..

First of all:


This is Boomer. He is my baby puppy dog. I love him more than I love anything on this entire earth. Like really, that's the truth. Whenever I think about moving sometimes the only thing that keeps me is Boomer, but if I could ever find a place to take him to, I would so leave with him. Whenever i'm sad I just pet him or cry by him. He knows how to make me feel better. He always knows when i'm moving out and when I'm gone. My favorite thing is when I come home on the weekends and he is super excited to see me (Sometimes he's the only one who is). It makes me sad to know that he will die long before other people I don't care much about. I wish that he could live forever. I know that the day that he dies I will be a complete wreck. He is the one light in my life that keeps me going. Now that Carsten is gone it's been hard to find something to look to, luckily I have the Boomer. I love him very much and I am very glad that I have him.

I just thought you all should know that I have the dumbest and ugliest dog in the world, but in the end he is the greatest most sweetest spirit on this earth and I wouldn't be able to live without him.

I love you Mr. Boomer.

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

If there is one thing I can't stand it's a Liar and a Thief..
It makes me feel so great to know that I'm living with one..

Hide Yo' Kids Hide Yo' Wife..


-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Why I want to go back to school...

1. I hate Idaho Falls, with a passion it's boring and there is nothing to do.
2. School will give me something to do in regards to progressing.
3. Air conditioning.. Nuff said.
4. Faster internet (I'll actually be able to do stuff on the internet again! Yaaay!)
5. Better and more comfortable bed
6. I finally get to start my new major and minor
7. I miss my roommates very much.
8. New friends and meeting new people is one of my favorite things.
9. Even though homework sucks.. Learning rocks.
10. Cable TV. :).

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I reeeeeally do. But it's nice to go back to school, be on my own, and actually feel like i'm doing and accomplishing something. I love home, but being bored is not my kind of fun.

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape

Nom Nom Nom

So recently I have become super like Marriage/Baby hungry. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe because I'm 20 years old, i'm practically a spinster. It's just weird both my mom and my grandma were pregnant when they were my age and I am so super ready to have babies.. I mean, I'm freaking knitting a Harry Potter baby blanket. It's weird I guess. I'm just tired of being this single unit, I realize that I'm not alone, but I am only responsible for myself. I realize that kids are hard, trust me, I know. Some people may think I am not ready.. you know what I say to you.. POOOOOP on you. Pardon my language. haha.

If you don't know I have 3 wonderful nephew and nieces. They are my life and I couldn't live without them. So lucky me, they moved away. So maybe this has been my recent push for babies and such, maybe it's just because I miss them. but HOLY CRAP! It's getting bad.

I thought I would let you all know.. Because I love you.

:).

-KD Wan John SIlver Martin-Howell-Kenobi-Snape (like the new addition?)

My Molly Weasley.

So, I read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in less than 24 hours. I love that book so much I would read it again right now, but instead I shall continue on in the series. But lately as I have been reading I have discovered something quite interesting. I want to be Mrs. Weasley. I have 10 reasons and here they are:

1. Mrs. Weasley has 7 children (Six of them being boys). That is basically exactly how I want my family--all boys and maybe a girl or two thrown in there.

2. She may seem like the sweetest thing in the world to everyone else but when you get home you see that she is very serious about her family and her children. She may seem cruel to her children but what she does is only to help them. Truthfully she is a great mother. Something else that goes along with this is her clock. You know the one with all the handles indicating her children and husband. She really does care and you can see it a great deal in the series.

3. Her clothes are awesome. I want her wardrobe. It's got this sort of hippie-ish style to it. She goes about as if she doesn't care what people think about her when she's wearing her whacky clothes.

4. She is not afraid to fight for the things that she loves (and this mainly includes her family and Harry.) Remember the Boggart in the desk in Grimmauld place? Yeah, she cares about them.

5. She can be told very serious things and not freak out. Like when talking about he Order and in Prisoner, talking about Sirius.

6. She is the glue that keeps the Order and her family together. She keeps everyone calm, even though she gets heated she can always bring it back down.

7. She has the world's biggest heart. She spends her life making everyone's lives better. She takes time out of her busy schedule to knit jumpers for not only her children but for Harry also because she knows that he doesn't have a lot

8. She laughs when things are funny. She has a great sense of humor. Maybe that's because of the Twins. Even in the darkest times she carries a smile on her face.

9. She does the best that she can in everything that's put in front of her. No matter the task she tries the hardest that she can to complete and accomplish it.

10. She is a great cook (which I am not.)


I love Molly Weasley, I don't think there is a better woman in any book series--ever. She is a true inspiration to everyone out there. But as much as I would love to sit around talking about Mrs. Weasley all night, I have a Harry Potter blanket to finish knitting, and a book to finish. So.. Good night my loves.

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

KD In Real Life..

Some more random thoughts:

1. Have you seen that Kindle commercial? The one where the blonde girl is talking to the cute boy and they are talking about reading real books compared to the kindle. Well she then explains that the best part of a real book is folding the page down.. Here is the random thought: That commercial makes me sick to my stomach. I have always had a problem with folded corners in books. Why would you ruin something that is so perfect! GAAAH! I'm serious every time she does it I have to look away. Stupid blonde.

2. Being sick for 3 weeks is not something you want to do.. Take my word.

3. I'm really excited for school to start again in the fall, I feel really good about this upcoming semester. I don't know why but I feel a lot better about it than any other semester. I really just want my life to take off. I may, haha, change my minor again. Luckily it's just my minor so it won't be too crazy of a switch, but I don't know.. I'm feeling a switch.


I love you all.

-KD Wan.

That's all..

I feel like I should blog more.. So here I go:

I have been listening to a lot of Michael Buble lately, I don't know why. I guess I just like him.. But anyways, he sings this one song called That's All.. and I felt I should respond to it.

I can only give you love that lasts forever
And a promise to be near each time you call
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone

That's all
That's all

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night

That's all
That's all

There are those I am sure who have told you
They would give you the world for a toy
All I have are these arms to enfold you
And a love even time can't destroy

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small
Say it's me that you'll adore
For now and evermore

That's all
That's all

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small
Say it's me that you'll adore
For now and evermore

That's all
That's all



That's good with me..


Remember who you are and what you stand for..

-KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi

Say Something..

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I guess I was just tired of the constant inner monologue in my head. This will probably be a rant blog: Don't read it if you don't want to.

Recently I have been listening to this one song.. Over and Over. It actually has more play counts than Clair De Lune (And if you ask my roommates that's no mear feat. I guess I've always loved this song, and it was always second in my play count, and I have always related it to an experience that I had in my life. An experience I would like to forget but probably never will.. I'm pretty sure that I have built up the suspense enough to tell you the song.. Come on KD, get it together.. :)... Anyways the song is Say Something by Ian Axel.

I don't think there has ever been a more beautiful song ever written. This song is so full of raw emotion--how can you not love it? But honestly... One line in particular has been running my mind for weeks now

"Anywhere, I would have followed you."

I'm writing to YOU now.. :

It was true you know.. I would have.. Followed you anywhere.. I.. I was planning on it actually. I don't think you know that, and I doubt you ever will realize the magnitude of it.
I try not to be sad about you, but sometimes it happens. Sometimes I can't really help it.
I just want you to know..
I write about you..
One time you asked me why I don't write a character about you...
It's because every character I write has something I love about you in them..
You are every character I have ever written..
I don't think you understand..

I just hope this helps you..

Heh.. Every night before I got to bed I say to myself, "Just say something.." So here I am.. Saying something..

I love you.


Remember who you are and what you stand for kids..

-KD Wan.

Summer..

So, it kind of sucks, but it's the truth. My summer has just begun and it will continue only for 7 weeks. So I cannot be stingy with my time. So I am compiling a list of things I want to do before I have to start another school year.

1. Read some more books (I've been doing good, but I can do better.)
2. Freaking beat Tales of Vesperia (This will take a long time, but with the help of my brother hopefully it won't.)
3. Beat Dragon Age again (maybe, we shall see)
4. Send out more queries.
5. Read some more.
6. Write some more.
7. Transfer all my handwritten books onto my compoooooper Macxwell.
8. Watch Glee Project and Big Brother (Curse you Kelsey!)
9. Don't sleep too much.
10. Don't be lazy. (This is always my problem.)

I love you guys.. always.


<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell-Kenobi.

Random Thoughts #4.. Words, Words, Words.

1. I really really really really hate migraines. Along with this, I think my eye sight is too bad to go weeks without wearing contacts or glasses.. I hate getting old.

2. My writing, for some odd reason, is going really wonderfully lately. I don't know why but, it has somehow taken a turn from a few months ago and I can't stop writing.

3. On the topic of writing I need to once again find someone to read my books. I used to have someone who would honestly read them and tell me what they thought about them. A lot of authors say don't let your unedited work out to the public, blah blah blah. But I can honestly say that my first Silver Lining book would not be completed if it wasn't for my honest reader. I mean, the book is dedicated to her. I like having people read parts of books and tell me if they're working.. I mean if someone else doesn't think it's working why keep going? I guess what i'm trying to say is.. I NEED A NEW READER! So, if you want to be my reader, do let me know and I will gratefully send you my newest book because it's killing me to not have an opinion of it right now..

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell.
(BTW.. have I told you that Amy Jo Howell completes me and that's where I get the hyphenated last name? Thought you all should know. :])

My Blackbird.

I woke up this morning to a very liberating feeling.. I didn't miss you. I am just as surprised as anyone. No, not a single piece of my body missed you today. Surely, yesterday was a rough day: Pain in my stomach, Random crying, Listening to depressing music. I did everything in the book. Last night I cried myself to sleep, but as I slept I had a most amazing dream, and guess what.. You weren't in it. That's a first in months. When I woke up my mind didn't automatically go to what happened. No, on the contrary, My mind explored the depths of it's walls and found something else to occupy my thoughts with. I thought, maybe the pain will come later, but no. Every time I think about you, I feel nothing.
I cannot explain to you how completely liberating this feels. I have never been over someone this incredibly fast. I guess it started months ago. I got a head start. I guess you could say I had an "Epiphany" (To put it in Steven's words.) I'm going to be successful and happy just to show you that I can be and maybe someday you'll regret your choices.
"You were only waiting for this moment to be FREE..."



Remember who you are and what you stand for.
KDWan John Silver Martin-Howell.

April Fools

I hate April Fool's... Let me tell you why.

First of all, I am probably one of the most gullible people on this planet. If you tell me something i'll more that likely believe it. If you jokingly say you're engaged, I will buy you a wedding present, or tell every single person that I know. Also, I hardly every know what actual day it is. So if you say, You shouldn't take everything so seriously on the first day of April.. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW IT'S THE FIRST! I'm a person that has to get their phone out multiple times a day just to remember that it's Thursday.
Secondly, I hate being pranked/scared (even though my mother got me pretty good this year, and I was rather proud. But I have yet to find her second joke.) There is nothing worse than feeling like you're about to die and that's how I feel every time I am scared.
Lastly, this remotely pertains to my first point. I will just reiterate the fact that I am completely and entirely gullible. I guess I just trust the people close enough to me to not lie to me, or make me believe something that isn't true. A joke this year really got to me. (I realize that this topic has come up a lot lately, but truthfully it's all I have been able to think about. I really can't talk about it to anyone, so I write it here so whoever wants to actually listen, will, and the people who don't, won't. This is just.. a place for me to get my thoughts out.. onto paper, if you will.) This "Joke" made me realize how much I am not over 'you' (surely most of you know who you is. If not.. Sorry about that.) I hadn't realized how completely and fully I gave myself to you. I haven't done that in a long time. This "joke" wasn't funny. In fact this joke made me furious with 'him.' In a moment my mind went through a million scenarios of how I wouldn't have to see either of you again and it hurt because you're both friends, friends I don't want to lose. Then when you told me it was a "Joke." I was glad you told me the truth, but I just wished that you could see exactly what it did to me. I don't think that you ever will, I doubt anyone ever will. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I probably won't for awhile. Really, I just needed to write out how I feel. That's why I have this blog.. To write out feelings, or put my random thoughts to public view..
Finally, I hate April Fools. I hope you realize this by now..

I Love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KDWan John Silver Martin-Howell.

Random Thoughts #3 light hearted

This will be a little more jolly..

1. The Kurt and Blaine couple name is Klaine.. but I am a much bigger fan of Blurt.. Just putting it out there.

2. I've realized that while I do love the ukulele and every other instrument I play the guitar will forever be my soul instrument. Just like how Star Wars will always be my favorite show. and One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest will be my favorite book. Sometimes these things are just set in stone and nothing can shake that foundation.

3. Also on a Glee note: Kurt sang Blackbird which has to be my favorite Beatles song. I know it's almost impossible to pick a favorite Beatles song, but if you think about what song relates the most to you and touches you the most then there you have your favorite song.. Mine will be Blackbird for quite sometime. Next comes Something and then While My Guitar Gently Weeps. (Back to the guitar thing.)

4. Only in Idaho can it be sunny and blue skied and there's snow falling on your car.

5. I really miss Amy when she's gone.. She's my best friend and happens to keep my life together. It's good to know that I always have someone to talk to and not judge me.. EVER! She fantabulous.. and someday she and I will be famous Producers..

6. I should always have short hair.. Just letting you know.

7. Sometimes you just need to sing Fat Bottomed Girls at the top of your lungs in order to feel better..

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

KDWan.

Random Thoughts #2.. Emotion.

I'm going to do another Random Thoughts today since I've had a lot of random thoughts. A lot of these today are really personal, but I feel like I need to write them out and I figure that I like to read about things going on people's lives.. so I think you wouldn't mind reading them.. but if you don't want to.. then.. obviously.. don't..

1. I love my roommates. Sometimes hanging out with them makes me sad that I never had sisters. But then I realize that if I did have sisters I probably wouldn't be spending so much time with my roomies. Honestly, every single one of them helps me in my life so much. I don't think I've ever been so excited to move anywhere than right now. I miss living with them so much that when I think about how close this next semester is I can't help but jump up and down for joy. Anyways, I hope you all know that I love you and appreciate everything that you do. Mostly, thanks for letting me laugh and be myself with you guys. It means a whole lot.

2.** (Sorry Jess! There is a Glee Spoiler in here.. like right now.. Look away now and read this section once you've seen Glee.)** Tonight on Glee Blaine finally kissed Kurt. It's something we've all been waiting for, and really i'm glad it finally happened. I think it's so amazing that Kurt is out and proud about himself and finally is has paid off for him. I also think it's so inspiring to have that on the television. I cannot fully explain to you my thoughts on this cause really it's all just emotions. How many of us truly show each other who we really are? I know I don't. I think it's so sad that in this world you can't go up to someone and say, "I'm gay," and not expect love from them. Why should we judge people? It's so wrong. It's also inspiring to see people living the way they want. It's easy to sit in the closet and hide.. It truly is. Alright maybe not the EASIEST thing in the world, but it's a lot easier then telling people who have always looked up to you and have always had the best faith in your and your future that you aren't who you are, and you never have been. It's frightening. So Kurt (I realize he's not real, but i'm really just talking to all the Kurt's out there.) Good on you for standing up for who you are. You truly are amazing.. And maybe someday I'll be able to take my own advice.

3. I miss you, I know you know who you are and i'm sure other people can guess. It scares me how much I miss you. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of you and the way you would talk to me and hold my hand and just.. Love me. I know I messed up.. I know that.. But so did you.. and I know you know that. I was talking to a good friend the other night and he told me that he would always give someone a second chance.. I never did that. I regret it now. But, I can't begin to tell you how badly you hurt me. I can't even explain to you what you did to me actually.. did to me. I want to make things right, but I don't know how. I especially don't want you to not say hi to your friends when they come to watch you sing, just because i'm there. I NEVER wanted that. I just.. didn't want it to hurt anymore. But after seeing you, I realize that it probably won't stop hurting, because I Love you.. You are truly the one person who knows EVERYTHING about me. I can't say that about anyone else. You understand me. I trust you with my books if I die.. because you know what's best for me and you know what's best for them. I'm also afraid to apologize because of everyone else. People expect me to be strong for myself right now, but all I want is to curl up in your arms and bawl. I've needed you.. I truly have. I just.. want you to know that I love you.. and I miss you. I'm not the same person without you.. because i'm not a person without you.. I'm just this floating entity that's moving it's way through this life. It's cheesy, but you do kind of complete me. I didn't want to talk to anyone about this because most everyone around me is on this.. life high. Everything is going so great for them, and i'm happy for them, I am. Really.. I am. But it just makes me realize how empty I am.. When people talk about going on dates I don't think I have to cause I have you.. I think we need to talk.. In person.. But.. I've happened to delete off the face of my world.. And i'm also afraid to take the first step.. because i'm afraid of where it will lead me..

Thanks guys, for letting me get this out..
Remember who you are and what you stand for.. do as I say.. not as I do..

<3 KDWan..

Suffocation..

I can't write. Usually this doesn't happen. It's not like I have writers block or anything. I mean I have a Quatrillion ideas moving around in my head. I have almost a whole entire book written in my head, definitely the ending to about three, but I can't write. I've noticed a trend with my life.. when nothing is happening, nothing is happening on my laptop either. Lets see, I wake up, whenever I want. Usually I eat lunch and then either work out or play video games (depends on the day), Then I take a shower, after the shower I get ready. Then I find something to do. Whether it's try to write, watch Netflix/YouTube, or play video games. Then I eat dinner, find something else to do and then go to bed. It's the same thing every single day. I need something different. I just feel like i'm suffocating and it's showing in my writing.. School starts in about a month, hopefully I will be able to get back to normal writing then.
Anyhow. Thanks for listening tome rant. I love you.

Remember who you are and what you stand for..

<3 KDWan.

The world saving kiss.

Have you ever had those days where you realize that you haven't been kissed in a long time and all you really want is to be walking down the street minding your own business and someone walks straight towards you, puts their hands on the side of your face, and just kisses you. Kiss you like there is no tomorrow. Like if they don't kiss you right there in that moment everything in the whole entire world will fall apart. Then when you break apart and their hands are still on the side of your face you know something just went right in the universe..

I need to be kissed like that again.. cause I miss it.

so really..
Kiss me..

Remember who you are and what you stand for..

and always.. I love you.
KDWan.

Random thoughts #1

I figured I would put some random thoughts here on the blogeth..

1. I really miss singing. I went to the ISU choir concert last night, it was good. It really just made me miss it. I mean, more than I usually do. I think this upcoming semester I will try to take a choir class. If it fits..

2. I sent off a few queries for my book Silver Lining. Wish me luck. I'm not expecting too much. My book is rather controversial even for now a days, but you know there's always that part of you that thinks amazing things are going to happen after your first batch of letters. of course it would be nice to get all the waiting over (it does, in fact, happen to be the worst part.) I just wanted to get the ball rolling, maybe get a little feedback. I think I had a pretty solid Query letter though. Well.. here's to the future.

3. Why did my car's gas Mileage go bad after I got a tuneup.. Poor Millennium Starshine.. She's having problems.

4. I love people.. I know I say I hate people a lot, but we all know i'm kidding. I really just love.. people and their development.. how they deal with things and blah blah.. I think that's why I read so many blogs and watch so many vlogs and not do too much of either, like I've promised. But seriously when people tell me about their problems.. I listen.. because i'm interested.

5. I like to live on my own. I think anyone who has moved out of their home and then back in can say the same. It's just different. love my family to death.. but I kinda like to be on my own.

6. Sometimes I wish I was cooler.

(and finally) 7. I've realized that lately I haven't been writing for myself. I was playing Star Wars Force Unleashed and I was like. "I want to write a book about a Gay Jedi. how cool would that be? (I mean think about it) " and then in my head I heard, 'that won't sell. plus you have to get rights from George Lucas and he probably wouldn't let that happen.' so I've become what I didn't want to be, someone who just writes to sell books. I guess i haven't BECOME that person but i'm slowly changing. Don't worry cause I caught it.. and you can probably expect a book about a Gay Jedi shortly.

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for (whether someone thinks it's a good or not)

KDwan.

My Binary Sunset..

"You know that part of Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is watching the binary sunset right on the edge of the greatest adventure of his life.. That's how I feel."





I posted this as my Facebook status a few days ago and I figure I would expound on the idea.


I'm coming up on my 20th birthday. I've lived a long time. A lot of things could've happened to me in those 20 years. Luckily it's been pretty good for me. I like to think that's the same thing Luke Skywalker was feeling. He went his whole life just being a moisture farmer. He had friends just like everyone else did. He had people who loved him just like everyone else did, but little did Luke know that he would be one of the most needed people in the galaxy. He didn't know that he was about to go on the biggest adventure of his entire life. So what i'm saying is, how do I not know that i'm going to change the galaxy. What if tomorrow my own Obi Wan comes along and teaches me the way of the force and I take down an evil empire. Or what if something else happens, but change the world just the same. I like to think that, that's going to happen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe in a month or so.. but i'm going to wake up one morning and know that everything is going to be different. It may not be easier and it may not be any more fun, but it's going to be different. So I guess right now, righting this blog.. This is my binary sunset and i'm watching the suns go down below the horizon hoping for a future that will surely come. I will change the world and you will see..
You will see.

-KD Wan Kenobi.

Lack of a Best Friend..

I love the fact that when i'm going through one of the hardest times of my life my best friend is nowhere to be found. Good thing I have wonderful other people in my life to help me through. Le sigh. Sometimes I feel that I just need to get married so I can always have someone there for me on my side and my side alone. Let's make it a goal to find a husband soon? I think so. I mean really.. GAH pants! I kinda just want to punch people in the face, but it's okay.. I'll make it through. :).
I've been writing a lot of one of my books called The Secret. I rather like it. I also got another pretty good idea for another book in my head and it's mulling over as we speak. I've also gotten addresses for agents.. I need to start sending out queries and such. Thursday marks the second round of the ABNA competition. So basically, i'm about to go insane..
I need to make a wand soon.. Before the leaves start to come back on the trees. I need to go find some good sticks. I also broke my retainer off by eating a caramel apple.. well only two thingys are off.. but still I need to get that fixed. Balls. Uhm. Have I mentioned lately that people just kinda suck. haha.
I watched a really good movie tonight.. It was called Life as a House. It was rated R so if you don't watch those.. I don't recommend it.. but if you do, check it out. It was pretty good. :).
Well really.. I have no idea why I wrote this. Just kinda wanted to tell you what's going on.
I love you.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.
KD Wan.

The Office..

I have a dream..
This dream is to have the BEST writing office in the world. Someday when I am published and can buy my dream lake house I will build my dream office. It will have large doors that will open out to the lake so I can watch the bugs jump from the grass and listen to the ducks on the water. I will fish from my dock and spend all of my summers next to the trunk of the willow right next to the lake. The walls will be filled with books that I have read, or have yet to read, in my life time. There will be many comfy bean bags and couches for me to curl up on and read the books from the wall. A fireplace will be on one wall for the winter months.. It will be a truly magnificent and creative place..
Thanks for listening to my dreams..

KDWan

The Reaction.

Truthfully it's amazing how we react to situations.. Like, lets say your best friend slept with your boyfriend. How would you think you would react.. you'd be frustrated, angry.. but what if you woke up and thought, really they are kinda perfect for each other and didn't feel a single thing. What if your great aunt that you have never met in your life dies.. you shouldn't be upset.. but what if you go to her funeral and can't stop crying. Really, there is absolutely no way you know how you'll react. Right now i'm going through a rough time, as some of you may know. I'm not going to say what's going on here, but just know that i'm not reacting the way I would've thought. But now that it's happening I can't seem to change my mind any other way. The strange thing is, the second this whole thing happened I've just wanted to listen and read Harry Potter.. It seems to be my only comfort right now.. Anyways.. I just thought that I would let you all know that you can't control your emotions no matter how much you think you can. I love you all.

Remember who you are and what you stand for..
<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin

Think about it..

Love:
It's a funny thing isn't it? It's probably the only thing that can force anyone to do almost anything. If you think about it, we are all it's slave. Whether it forces to do good or whether it forces us to do bad. I sometimes wonder what lengths I will go to for love. Sometimes I'm afraid of my own answer. Sometimes I worry that I will throw everything I've ever worked for away, just for someone. And then i worry that I won't throw too much away. You can't look someone in the eye and tell them that love doesn't control you. Who's to say it's a bad thing. If someone has love in their life should we be celebrating it? Shouldn't we be striving for the same love they have? Then we always try to decide who can love who. We try to define love. But truthfully what do you define love as? I define it as, caring solely for one person, always caring about their feelings, wanting to know how their day went. Love is curling up on the couch and watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn and not being afraid to cry when the sad parts come on, knowing that your love will wrap their arms around you and just let you know that it's okay to cry and that they think you're beautiful no matter what. That's Love.. To me. And I guess that's the point i'm trying to make through this ramble of words and thoughts. How can we define love? How can we tell someone they aren't allowed to love someone else? Love to someone else may mean, staying with them even when their family is killed. Or Even they are killed for loving each other. It's sad to know that my worries come with maybe losing support from family members when others worries are a lot more worse than ours.
Valentines day is coming up, maybe that's what's got me thinking.. I don't want to celebrate Valentines day because somewhere in the world someone else can't celebrate it with someone they love and why can't they? Because we've decided who they can and can't love. Some people throw everything away for love.. They don't have any other option and that's sad. It's sad that this world is so screwed up that this has to be this way. So really, Love is Love. So before you celebrate Valentines day think about the people in this world who can't because it's illegal. Before you look into your special someone's eyes remember that somebody else can't because they might be killed for it. Just think about about it..

Remember who you are and what you stand for..

KD Wan.

Book List

I need to write my book list down so I figured I would share it with all of you..

(Finish) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: J.K. Rowling
Boy Meets Boy: David Levithan
The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Stephen Chbosky
Looking for Alaska: John Green
An Abundance of Katherine's: John Green
The Hobbit: J.R.R Tolkien
The Fellowship of the Ring: J.R.R Tolkien
The Two Towers: J.R.R Tolkien
The Return of the King: J.R.R Tolkien


PLUS!: Beat Mass Effect 2
Be the king on Dragon Age!

If you have any suggestions for my book list PLEASE! let me know! I am always willing to read new books.. :). I love you guys!

Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KDWan

For You..

I cried over you today..
It was the first time since it happened..
I can't say it made me feel good..
I can't say that it helped at all..
All I can say is that it opened a wound I thought I had closed..
I loved you, you know..
More than I think I've loved anyone before..
I trusted you more than I've trusted anyone since him..
I miss you..
I wish I could say that I forgive you..
I wish we could just throw this silly thing out the window and pretend it never happened..
But I can't forgive you, cause if I did I would never be able to forgive myself..
and truthfully, if I can't live with myself, I can't live with anyone..
I like to think that maybe someday i'll be able to get over it..
but then I realize that will probably never happen..
So now I have to ask Why?
Why did you have to do that?
Why did you have to ruin everything we had going?


I was going to give up everything for you..
I don't think you knew that..

I'm sorry..

I'm sorry that you ruined this..
I'm sorry I can't forgive you..
I'm sorry that I couldn't stop this from happening..
I'm sorry that I wasn't everything that YOU needed..
I'm sorry that you had to find someone else to make you happy..
I'm sorry that this happened..

I just wanted you to know that I cried over you today..
and it didn't help.. or hurt..
It simply showed me..
It showed me what my life without you will look like..

A Change..

This happens every time. I get out of school expecting great and marvelous things to happen to my writing. Every time something happens where I just sit around the house all day. I am completely uninspired and my writing goes to poop.. So, i've been reading a little trying to figure out what to do. So here are some things that I need to start doing. I will try and keep up a daily blog about my daily achievements.

1. Continue to read everything!: I am very proud of myself and all the books I have read. I have been home for a month and in there I have almost eight books. I need to read a lot more though. So I will continue to read whether it's actual reading or listening to books. I will read something every day.

2. Meditate: Doesn't matter what I think about, but I will take 15 minutes every single day to think about something. Just let my mind wander all over the place. Whether it's thinking about my books or just something in my life.

3. Use my hands: I need to be doing something with them that isn't typing. I need to be drawing, knitting, writing letters, coloring. Something that doesn't take a lot of brain activity but gets my hands active and moving.

4. Go to bed earlier: I always stay up so late and sleep all day. So I am going to be in bed by 10 every night (unless something I can't miss is going on.) and then wake up by 9:30 the next day. Sunday I will be awake earlier so than I can go to singles ward here. :) I've also heard that naps help. So maybe, if I need it, a half hour cat nap in the middle of the day.

5. Work out more than what I have been doing: I'm pretty proud of myself for what I've done to become healthier this year. I'm going to start working harder though. Doing something different every single day. Whether it's lifting weights, just playing the kinect, or getting back into Yoga and Tai Chi.

6. Get up and do something!: Go somewhere every day. Whether it's just a drive in my car listening to music, but get out of the house. I need to go out and see people. Go to a movie. Meet someone new... Go to Barnes and Noble! haha. Spend way too much time out of the house.

7. Watch and listen to more news. : You can learn a lot from the news going on around you. I need to become more in tune with everything that is going on around me.

8. Be spontaneous: Do what I want at random times throughout the day.


That's really all I can think of right now. If you want to help out or participate in any of these please let me know. I will be very happy to have you come a long. Talking to people is something that can also stir your creative juices. I love you guys.
Hope you are having a wonderful year so far.
Remember who you are
and what you stand for.

KDwan.

Jar Of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?


Maybe it's because I've been stuck at home for awhile, but I've been feeling pretty down. This song (I've heard it before) has somehow helped me cop with feelings I have been feeling. I guess it's the way I feel about a certain person.. They probably know who they are, I have no reason to name names. But, this is just a great song. and if you haven't heard it you should probably look it up. anyways.. That's really all I care to write. I just wanted to let you all know what I was feeling in this exact moment.. I love you.
Be True,

<3 KDWan

2011's new year.

As you see I already failed at this new year! haha. I told you I would post the 1st.. well it is not the 3rd. KD fail.
So.. resolutions. I tried to think of someone. Really I just want to become a better person all around, but here are a few resolutions I have come up with.

1. Make more videos.
2. Get myself a good reliable agent.
3. Write more than I have time for.
4. Read more than I have time for.
5. Keep at least a 3.0 in school.
6. Learn to draw well.
7. Have a wonderful year with eventful stories and magnificent times.
8. Write more in my blog.
9. Meet a new person every day.
10. Dance in the rain a little more.

I love you guys, I hope you haven't given up on me.
I love you very very much.

Remember who you are, and what you stand for.

-KDWan