Random Thoughts #4.. Words, Words, Words.

1. I really really really really hate migraines. Along with this, I think my eye sight is too bad to go weeks without wearing contacts or glasses.. I hate getting old.

2. My writing, for some odd reason, is going really wonderfully lately. I don't know why but, it has somehow taken a turn from a few months ago and I can't stop writing.

3. On the topic of writing I need to once again find someone to read my books. I used to have someone who would honestly read them and tell me what they thought about them. A lot of authors say don't let your unedited work out to the public, blah blah blah. But I can honestly say that my first Silver Lining book would not be completed if it wasn't for my honest reader. I mean, the book is dedicated to her. I like having people read parts of books and tell me if they're working.. I mean if someone else doesn't think it's working why keep going? I guess what i'm trying to say is.. I NEED A NEW READER! So, if you want to be my reader, do let me know and I will gratefully send you my newest book because it's killing me to not have an opinion of it right now..

I love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin-Howell.
(BTW.. have I told you that Amy Jo Howell completes me and that's where I get the hyphenated last name? Thought you all should know. :])

My Blackbird.

I woke up this morning to a very liberating feeling.. I didn't miss you. I am just as surprised as anyone. No, not a single piece of my body missed you today. Surely, yesterday was a rough day: Pain in my stomach, Random crying, Listening to depressing music. I did everything in the book. Last night I cried myself to sleep, but as I slept I had a most amazing dream, and guess what.. You weren't in it. That's a first in months. When I woke up my mind didn't automatically go to what happened. No, on the contrary, My mind explored the depths of it's walls and found something else to occupy my thoughts with. I thought, maybe the pain will come later, but no. Every time I think about you, I feel nothing.
I cannot explain to you how completely liberating this feels. I have never been over someone this incredibly fast. I guess it started months ago. I got a head start. I guess you could say I had an "Epiphany" (To put it in Steven's words.) I'm going to be successful and happy just to show you that I can be and maybe someday you'll regret your choices.
"You were only waiting for this moment to be FREE..."



Remember who you are and what you stand for.
KDWan John Silver Martin-Howell.

April Fools

I hate April Fool's... Let me tell you why.

First of all, I am probably one of the most gullible people on this planet. If you tell me something i'll more that likely believe it. If you jokingly say you're engaged, I will buy you a wedding present, or tell every single person that I know. Also, I hardly every know what actual day it is. So if you say, You shouldn't take everything so seriously on the first day of April.. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW IT'S THE FIRST! I'm a person that has to get their phone out multiple times a day just to remember that it's Thursday.
Secondly, I hate being pranked/scared (even though my mother got me pretty good this year, and I was rather proud. But I have yet to find her second joke.) There is nothing worse than feeling like you're about to die and that's how I feel every time I am scared.
Lastly, this remotely pertains to my first point. I will just reiterate the fact that I am completely and entirely gullible. I guess I just trust the people close enough to me to not lie to me, or make me believe something that isn't true. A joke this year really got to me. (I realize that this topic has come up a lot lately, but truthfully it's all I have been able to think about. I really can't talk about it to anyone, so I write it here so whoever wants to actually listen, will, and the people who don't, won't. This is just.. a place for me to get my thoughts out.. onto paper, if you will.) This "Joke" made me realize how much I am not over 'you' (surely most of you know who you is. If not.. Sorry about that.) I hadn't realized how completely and fully I gave myself to you. I haven't done that in a long time. This "joke" wasn't funny. In fact this joke made me furious with 'him.' In a moment my mind went through a million scenarios of how I wouldn't have to see either of you again and it hurt because you're both friends, friends I don't want to lose. Then when you told me it was a "Joke." I was glad you told me the truth, but I just wished that you could see exactly what it did to me. I don't think that you ever will, I doubt anyone ever will. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I probably won't for awhile. Really, I just needed to write out how I feel. That's why I have this blog.. To write out feelings, or put my random thoughts to public view..
Finally, I hate April Fools. I hope you realize this by now..

I Love you all.
Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KDWan John Silver Martin-Howell.