The Reaction.

Truthfully it's amazing how we react to situations.. Like, lets say your best friend slept with your boyfriend. How would you think you would react.. you'd be frustrated, angry.. but what if you woke up and thought, really they are kinda perfect for each other and didn't feel a single thing. What if your great aunt that you have never met in your life dies.. you shouldn't be upset.. but what if you go to her funeral and can't stop crying. Really, there is absolutely no way you know how you'll react. Right now i'm going through a rough time, as some of you may know. I'm not going to say what's going on here, but just know that i'm not reacting the way I would've thought. But now that it's happening I can't seem to change my mind any other way. The strange thing is, the second this whole thing happened I've just wanted to listen and read Harry Potter.. It seems to be my only comfort right now.. Anyways.. I just thought that I would let you all know that you can't control your emotions no matter how much you think you can. I love you all.

Remember who you are and what you stand for..
<3 KD Wan John Silver Martin

Think about it..

Love:
It's a funny thing isn't it? It's probably the only thing that can force anyone to do almost anything. If you think about it, we are all it's slave. Whether it forces to do good or whether it forces us to do bad. I sometimes wonder what lengths I will go to for love. Sometimes I'm afraid of my own answer. Sometimes I worry that I will throw everything I've ever worked for away, just for someone. And then i worry that I won't throw too much away. You can't look someone in the eye and tell them that love doesn't control you. Who's to say it's a bad thing. If someone has love in their life should we be celebrating it? Shouldn't we be striving for the same love they have? Then we always try to decide who can love who. We try to define love. But truthfully what do you define love as? I define it as, caring solely for one person, always caring about their feelings, wanting to know how their day went. Love is curling up on the couch and watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn and not being afraid to cry when the sad parts come on, knowing that your love will wrap their arms around you and just let you know that it's okay to cry and that they think you're beautiful no matter what. That's Love.. To me. And I guess that's the point i'm trying to make through this ramble of words and thoughts. How can we define love? How can we tell someone they aren't allowed to love someone else? Love to someone else may mean, staying with them even when their family is killed. Or Even they are killed for loving each other. It's sad to know that my worries come with maybe losing support from family members when others worries are a lot more worse than ours.
Valentines day is coming up, maybe that's what's got me thinking.. I don't want to celebrate Valentines day because somewhere in the world someone else can't celebrate it with someone they love and why can't they? Because we've decided who they can and can't love. Some people throw everything away for love.. They don't have any other option and that's sad. It's sad that this world is so screwed up that this has to be this way. So really, Love is Love. So before you celebrate Valentines day think about the people in this world who can't because it's illegal. Before you look into your special someone's eyes remember that somebody else can't because they might be killed for it. Just think about about it..

Remember who you are and what you stand for..

KD Wan.

Book List

I need to write my book list down so I figured I would share it with all of you..

(Finish) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: J.K. Rowling
Boy Meets Boy: David Levithan
The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Stephen Chbosky
Looking for Alaska: John Green
An Abundance of Katherine's: John Green
The Hobbit: J.R.R Tolkien
The Fellowship of the Ring: J.R.R Tolkien
The Two Towers: J.R.R Tolkien
The Return of the King: J.R.R Tolkien


PLUS!: Beat Mass Effect 2
Be the king on Dragon Age!

If you have any suggestions for my book list PLEASE! let me know! I am always willing to read new books.. :). I love you guys!

Remember who you are and what you stand for.

<3 KDWan

For You..

I cried over you today..
It was the first time since it happened..
I can't say it made me feel good..
I can't say that it helped at all..
All I can say is that it opened a wound I thought I had closed..
I loved you, you know..
More than I think I've loved anyone before..
I trusted you more than I've trusted anyone since him..
I miss you..
I wish I could say that I forgive you..
I wish we could just throw this silly thing out the window and pretend it never happened..
But I can't forgive you, cause if I did I would never be able to forgive myself..
and truthfully, if I can't live with myself, I can't live with anyone..
I like to think that maybe someday i'll be able to get over it..
but then I realize that will probably never happen..
So now I have to ask Why?
Why did you have to do that?
Why did you have to ruin everything we had going?


I was going to give up everything for you..
I don't think you knew that..

I'm sorry..

I'm sorry that you ruined this..
I'm sorry I can't forgive you..
I'm sorry that I couldn't stop this from happening..
I'm sorry that I wasn't everything that YOU needed..
I'm sorry that you had to find someone else to make you happy..
I'm sorry that this happened..

I just wanted you to know that I cried over you today..
and it didn't help.. or hurt..
It simply showed me..
It showed me what my life without you will look like..

A Change..

This happens every time. I get out of school expecting great and marvelous things to happen to my writing. Every time something happens where I just sit around the house all day. I am completely uninspired and my writing goes to poop.. So, i've been reading a little trying to figure out what to do. So here are some things that I need to start doing. I will try and keep up a daily blog about my daily achievements.

1. Continue to read everything!: I am very proud of myself and all the books I have read. I have been home for a month and in there I have almost eight books. I need to read a lot more though. So I will continue to read whether it's actual reading or listening to books. I will read something every day.

2. Meditate: Doesn't matter what I think about, but I will take 15 minutes every single day to think about something. Just let my mind wander all over the place. Whether it's thinking about my books or just something in my life.

3. Use my hands: I need to be doing something with them that isn't typing. I need to be drawing, knitting, writing letters, coloring. Something that doesn't take a lot of brain activity but gets my hands active and moving.

4. Go to bed earlier: I always stay up so late and sleep all day. So I am going to be in bed by 10 every night (unless something I can't miss is going on.) and then wake up by 9:30 the next day. Sunday I will be awake earlier so than I can go to singles ward here. :) I've also heard that naps help. So maybe, if I need it, a half hour cat nap in the middle of the day.

5. Work out more than what I have been doing: I'm pretty proud of myself for what I've done to become healthier this year. I'm going to start working harder though. Doing something different every single day. Whether it's lifting weights, just playing the kinect, or getting back into Yoga and Tai Chi.

6. Get up and do something!: Go somewhere every day. Whether it's just a drive in my car listening to music, but get out of the house. I need to go out and see people. Go to a movie. Meet someone new... Go to Barnes and Noble! haha. Spend way too much time out of the house.

7. Watch and listen to more news. : You can learn a lot from the news going on around you. I need to become more in tune with everything that is going on around me.

8. Be spontaneous: Do what I want at random times throughout the day.


That's really all I can think of right now. If you want to help out or participate in any of these please let me know. I will be very happy to have you come a long. Talking to people is something that can also stir your creative juices. I love you guys.
Hope you are having a wonderful year so far.
Remember who you are
and what you stand for.

KDwan.

Jar Of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?


Maybe it's because I've been stuck at home for awhile, but I've been feeling pretty down. This song (I've heard it before) has somehow helped me cop with feelings I have been feeling. I guess it's the way I feel about a certain person.. They probably know who they are, I have no reason to name names. But, this is just a great song. and if you haven't heard it you should probably look it up. anyways.. That's really all I care to write. I just wanted to let you all know what I was feeling in this exact moment.. I love you.
Be True,

<3 KDWan

2011's new year.

As you see I already failed at this new year! haha. I told you I would post the 1st.. well it is not the 3rd. KD fail.
So.. resolutions. I tried to think of someone. Really I just want to become a better person all around, but here are a few resolutions I have come up with.

1. Make more videos.
2. Get myself a good reliable agent.
3. Write more than I have time for.
4. Read more than I have time for.
5. Keep at least a 3.0 in school.
6. Learn to draw well.
7. Have a wonderful year with eventful stories and magnificent times.
8. Write more in my blog.
9. Meet a new person every day.
10. Dance in the rain a little more.

I love you guys, I hope you haven't given up on me.
I love you very very much.

Remember who you are, and what you stand for.

-KDWan

Another year down.. 400 million to go.

Well here we are again. A year later from where I started. If you remember (if you’ve followed me that long) you remember that I started with a post stating my new year’s resolutions. Well here they were:
1.The first is to Love more. When I was younger loving everyone wasn't that hard, now that i'm older it's become a little more difficult. This year I want to learn to love everyone equally.
2. Become my own person. I thought last year I had myself all figured out, only to be hit with the fact that I was incredibly far off track. I will find myself this year through trial and error just like I have all my life. With this I'm going to learn all that I can and pick up new hobbies. I want to be educated in many different things and learn more. College will be a great experience for me and I will get to learn oh so very much. In the end I will be doing what I love [hopefully].
3. This third one is a little farfetched but it's a resolution. Get my book published. I've never been more passionate about anything in my life. This book has totally encompassed me and my whole life. Everything I do revolves around my writing. Stories are constantly circulating through my mind. I look around me and feed off of everything. If you truly know me you know how dedicated to writing I am. I sleep, breath, and eat writing. I live for my books and I live for stories. My book Silver Lining is the name of it [Yes I finally chose one] It's my most prized possession. Of course not many people will enjoy it due to it's controversial matter [Gay Superhero] I am wonderfully proud of what I have accomplished. I am so proud and people have been so receptive of it that I have started a sequel. ANYWAYS! Getting it published would be a dream come true.. Become and rich and famous wouldn't be so bad either. ;].
4. This is probably the resolution I will work the hardest for. Become more active in the fight for Gay Rights. I know that many people don't feel that this is an important resolution. People [especially in Idaho] don't believe that gays should have rights at all. I don't believe that way at all. I believe that humans should all be created equal no matter what. Whether it's their race, religion, or sexual orientation. The minute I see people being discriminated against I get rather angry. My best friends are gay most of my friends are gay actually and I want to fight for their rights with all my heart. So I am going to dive head first right into the activism of Gay rights. I hope that some of you realize that great cause this is and join me.


So let’s start with number 1, love more. I believe that I was able to accomplish that. Sure I wasn’t perfect in it, but I really made an effort. It really helped in my happiness and I gained a lot of insight this year on all the many people surrounding me constantly. I’m glad I made this a resolution.
2. Become my own person. Oh boy did I do this. I finally feel like KDwan. I’m pretty stoked about everything that is going on in life right now. I started new hobbies, started a bunch of new things. I really branched out and tried to see myself from someone else’s shoes and change myself. I believe that I did really well with that.
3. Get the book published.. hehe. Well this didn’t turn out the way I exactly wanted it too, and truthfully I’m glad. There was still a lot of work that the book needed and still right now there’s more than can be done. I rewrote the book and am currently rewriting it once more. I love this book though, I could work on it forever and never think it’s perfect, but I’m really going to try to get an agent this next upcoming year, so yeah, I’m not too worried.
4. Be more active in Gay rights. Oh I did this. . I really worked hard to make known what I believe. So Yeah, totally did this.

So basically I didn’t actually do too badly this last year. There was only one resolution that I wasn’t able to accomplish. I was a little crazy for thinking it could get published last year. Anyways, I’m sure it’s time for some new resolutions, so tonight while I’m watching the ball drop I will think of some, and tomorrow I will post the list for you.
I love you guys more than anything, and I’m very glad that I have all of you.
Remember who you are, and what you stand for.
-Love KD

Thanks.

It's amazing the way your life never seems to go the way you thought it would. I keep seeing people--people from my past-- and they keep reminding me of who I was. They also show the person that I am right now. I'll tell you now that there are many things that I would love to change about myself.. and there's a lot that I would like to change from my past, but I don't regret any of it. Sure times were never the easiest and I went through some incredibly difficult times. I've loved and I've lost. I've been through pain that seemed unimaginable. Now I find myself somewhere where i'm supposed to be. I've always looked at people around me and wanted to be just like them. Now I see that I have become those people. Sometimes people say that being like others is bad.. and yes I'm one of those that believe that. but if you want to be like someone who has goals and knows exactly where they're going--then that is not bad. I don't really know what my mood is really.. it's just sort of reflective. I'm just proud of what i've done in my life and the people i've met. I wouldn't forget a face i've seen. I'm also just grateful for everything that you all continue to do for me. It's amazing to have such awesome people all around me all the time. :D. I love you guys..
Remember who you are and what you stand for.. and always.. May the Force be with you!

Book Idea

Have you ever wanted to write a book but you know you aren't good with grammar or things like that? What if I told you that I have the solution.. let me do the work and let you come up with the fabulous ideas.. here's how it's going to be done..

Recently I have gotten this idea about a book. I've been watching this show called I <3 vampires. it's s show where people get to comment and they decide what happens in the next show. I want to take this same idea and incorporate it into a book. At the beginning of the week I will ask a question like.. if you were the main character of a book what would your name be. You guys will give me votes or comments and I will take in those comments and start a chapter with it. For the first few weeks i'll have to start and ask a lot of questions about plot and such but once it's rolling we'll be getting a book going. I think this could be really fun and really great and I will keep a running list of ideas for the book and names of people who give me ideas. that way if this book ends up being awesome we'll go ahead and try and get it published and you will all be given credit for the writing of the book.. you will be published authors. anyways.. I love you guys.. I hope this idea can work if you're up for it! I appreciate all the help and support you're giving to me already. I love you.